Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my being single is dangerous.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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