I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dignity is for republicans.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
