I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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