Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
