i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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