Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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