I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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