He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
