stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
