We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
