If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
