At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
