Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
