The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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