I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You took a bar mat shot.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I smell like Dick and happiness
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
