He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
