Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
