my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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