i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Still dying that you shit outside
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
