my phone needs a breathalizer
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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