Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
