I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
