I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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