hotel room ftw
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
