I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
