my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
