she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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