You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
