Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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