I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You are a genius and a whore.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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