somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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