I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize