ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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