why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i've created a new STD.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
