Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
