I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
