If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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