Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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