remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
