Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
