im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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