He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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