ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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