the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
