Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
