I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
