My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
