I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
