just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
