were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize