How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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