I didn't shave. On purpose
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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