I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
