I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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