my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My vagina is officially offended.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
