Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
