So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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